The strangest species called Parents and children

”We have had an experience, which we don’t want our kids to have, but the kids want to plunge into the same experience again… I suppose this is what generation gap is”, A parent.

5 years back I had read a small article by Osho in one of the magazines where he is responding to a parent’s worry for his adolescent child’s erratic behavior. Osho replies (not in exact words) – Dear friend, I must congratulate you that the time has come, that your child is now beginning to find and make meaning out of his life. He has been living under your umbrella for all these years, accepting your values, beliefs, thoughts, and actions as his own. But now, he is coming of his age, he is making his own meaning of the world, he is beginning to question everything he was taught or made to believe. If he refuses to listen to you, your thoughts and desires, be happy, for now, this separation is the beginning of his new era, a new birth – a birth he would give shape to.

I was again reminded of this in a Dialogue on Education hosted by The Heritage School in Gurgaon. I was one of the participant and we were made to go through a process called the ‘Fish Bowl’ – a group of students (of age 16-18) sitting in the inner circle to share, whereas we, all the adults (including teachers, parents, youth) sat in the outer circle, to listen – listen with the state of wonder.

The students in the inner circle were asked:

What is it that you don’t get it about them (parents/adults of the society) and what is it that they don’t get about you?

Some of the replies they shared –

– They ask why I’m silent when I am quiet, and when I talk, they say why I talk so much.

– They are way too helpful, and they don’t let us make mistakes

– They confuse us – sometimes they say be mature, you are grown up, and sometimes, they will say – act like a child, you have not grown up

– They always ask us the reason for our decisions, but they never share their reason behind any decisions

– They always crib that they have seen more life than us and are more experienced

– They label us like you are hard-working/lazy, etc., and they don’t give regards to the transition we are going through, they don’t realize that our personalities are shaping.

– They are hell-scared about what society might say

I was amazed to hear the young students share honestly what they don’t get about their parents. I wish their parents were there to listen. I have been associated with youth and youth organizations, one of them being Swaraj University, from last 5 years which has brought me to know and be face to face with many child-parents struggles. Tired of their parents’ expectations and the burden of societal pressure they dump over kids, I have heard the children crib about their parents, I have heard them cry, I have seen them run away from their homes and I have seen them rebel, rebel hard. I have also seen parents cry, longing for their child’s love, anxious and concerned, burdened with their life tasks. I don’t know who is stranger – the child or the parents, but it definitely pains to see the struggle arising out of their separation where such beautiful relationships get noisy most of the times due of lack of ACCEPTANCE – sometimes from self, from family, from society and so on.

One of the khojis was recently sharing with me a dialogue she had with her parents where she had to ask them to find and define happiness for themselves rather than finding happiness in her presence, actions or reactions – which brings us to another of the dreadful causes of these struggles – EXPECTATIONS. And I am sure it is quite difficult for parents whose whole existence depends on the child for so many years until one day when the child begins defining his/her own identity and I can sense how difficult could it be for parents to shift gears and let their inseparable part separate.

I would like to share 2 conversations which touched me and my conscience deeply. One of them was Dr. Quratulain Bakhteari, who heads a learning program called IDSP in Baluchistan, Pakistan. She was sharing about her program whose initial 2 months are focused on finding roots – going back to your family and searching for your ancestral roots. The biggest reason behind this initial stage of finding roots is to get back to the family, to tie back the thread which somehow in this rapidly transiting world gets torn apart, and she said, “That is how the parents would begin supporting you for such unusual lifestyle choices and studies”. I and my peers questioned her that the parents won’t do that to which she responded very beautifully – ये जो आपके वालिद और अम्मी जान होते हैं, वो बड़े अजीब किस्म के होते है, बाहर से तो बड़े सख्त होते हैं, पर आप के लिए इन का दिल पिघलते देर नहीं लगती । (Your father and mother, you know, are very strange. They may seem very hard from outside, but for you, they can quickly soften from within)

A small conversation with her inspired me to search for my roots, to get close to my father who is fond of history and I did. And it also inspired me to design a small program called Reclaiming your Roots for khojis at Swaraj University where a few khojis researched on their paternal/maternal history of last 100 years. One of the khojis Arpita Gaidhane from Thane share how she got close to her father when they both went on a journey together to know their ancestral history.

Another small and beautiful conversation was with Jeetu Dave, a khoji’s father who had come for the parents meet at Swaraj. He shared how our struggles or anger with parents as a child blocks the source of all the energy for us and once cleared, they are the ultimate source of energy for our work. He shared how his anger in the past got projected into the future and the anger towards his father did not let him blossom even in his adulthood. His realization came too late in his life but yet he asked for forgiveness, and led the anger in him rest in peace.

The fish bowl I mentioned above to which I was part of inspired me to host a similar circle for parents and children at parents meet of K5 khoji cohort at Swaraj University. Many parents were supposedly against the ideas of their children, and not just ideas – lifestyle, life choices, actions, everything. The children (khojis) too seemed in a rebellious mode as many of them constantly shared their struggles with the parents. And as a little expected, the parents meet did start with an intimidating note. The concerns and anxieties of parents rolled in and did burdened the excitement of khojis who had been preparing hard for the parents meet. The concerns ranged from ‘my child doesn’t even wear proper clothes in front of relatives’ to ‘what would my child do and which is the one last field which he/she would choose and work upon’.

My idea was to hold a fish bowl circle at the end of 2^nd and final day where the parents and children can express to each other “what is it that they don’t get/understand about each other?” but on the day 1 itself, the parents and children were, without such a circle, such blunt and sharp with each other, blowing apart each other in every other session that what they didn’t understand about each other became very obvious. Of course there were some exceptions to that.

At the 2^nd and final day, the anxiety did loosen up after parents heard the individual stories of khojis and what they are learning. On that evening, we held a circle of fish bowl for parents and the children asking:

What is it that they (parents/child) inspire you and you appreciate in them?

We very rarely appreciate our loved ones (especially the ones whose presence we have taken granted for like parents or children) but are very quick to depreciate, which is very often public. I remember a few years back, while I was away from home and chatting on facebook with my father one day. He suddenly said “I love you beta”. I did not know for few minutes how to receive the love my father had showered. I hesitated in replying but then I did. And it has taken me and probably him a good amount of time to overcome the formality in the relationship which stops us from hugging and sharing appreciation so often.

I too feel such formality in many of the relationship struggles between parents and children. Being the host of the fish bowl circle, I witnessed many parents and children finding it hard to even appreciate. But yet, I felt blessed to host such a circle, at the end of which, I could see some moments of joy and lightness, some khojis hugging their parents and parents yet again bridging the gap to trust their children and offer the support they often find it hard not to offer. Remember, the last scenes of LAge Raho Munnabhai, where Sanjay Dutt stops Dia Mirza on the radio from taking her father’s name. “He says – बाप का नाम पब्लिक में मत उछाल । अरे बीमार है वो, उसे फूल भेज ।” (not insult your father in public, he is ill, send him flowers)

We are all in some ways ill, trying to heal ourselves of this separation. What will heal us? What will help us blossom? Some flowers indeed, who will find their way, in their own strange ways, to our hearts. I believe our hearts know the answer … am I listening? Are you listening?

Reminds of a beautiful quote I read long time back –

हम कुछ न कहें और चाहें कि हमारी बात तुम्हारे दिल में ख़ुशबू की तरह उड़कर बस जाएँ

(I wish without uttering a word, my feelings spread like fragrance in your heart)